Monday, December 29, 2014
Not as strong as I thought
So here I am,not really terribly bad off but certainly not as strong as I thought I was. I had been on such a good roll, feeling mentally strong, seeing the scale move every week. Heck, I had even spit out a cookie into a napkin when I realized what I was about to do. Then, Christmas Eve came. As I mentioned, I had a ruptured ovarian cyst which was worse than usual. The pain was horrible for several hours and it was accompanied by nausea and chills. I was not in a happy place that night. To make things worse, I was upset that after working all day,now I didn't get to enjoy the quality time with my loved ones. But, I powered through and made it through the night. Foodwise, I did fine. Christmas Day, I was still hurting a little and really badly sore. Again, I powered through it and even made myself walk in order not to lose my walking streak. My food choices were fine, I was doing good even though I was feeling hurt, tired and drained. I could tell my modd wasn't the best, I was sad and my energy was low. On the 26th, I powered through the work day with horrible energy levels. Close to the end of the day, someone mentioned me being tired and looking like "You need some sugar". I shook my head and moved on. When I got to my desk, I had a new gift. This time it was another tin of pure butter shortbread cookies. I decided maybe I did need some cookies, so I had two. I was angry at myself for doing it but when I got home since I was still tired and was sharing with my friend, I had two more. And ever since then, I keep wanting to go back for more. I tracked it all, but that's not important. I have disposed of them in the bin and I am back on track. This wasn't a full on binge. But I am terribly disappointed in myself. I can tell how having cookies has made me crave more. I want bread, I want more cookies, I want it all.But I am not going to have them.After no movement on the scale Friday, I am up 2 pounds today. It sucks. The worse part is that I am not really a sweets person usually, I will always go for the salty. You would have thought if I wanted to blow it, I would have chosen my cheetos instead lol I know 4 cookies during the entire holiday season is not bad. The thing is, I don't allow myself "cheat" days because I simply cannot handle them. It has always been the start of my demise. The principle of it is that I should know that I am learning and have a long way to go. Little indulgences, at this point in my case, are not something i can "afford". That bottom line is, I am not as strong as I thought. I am in "detox" mode since Sunday. Bunches of veggies, some protein and a little fruit.I am back on track and will continue to be. I just needed to "come clean" for the brain part of my "detox". Onward!