Friday, February 6, 2015

I am here....again


       
    

Well, it has been a week since I last posted. I am fairly new to the blogging world but not new enough to not know that in this world, abscence most often means that the blogger has fallen off the wagon. So let me start off by saying, I HAVE NOT FALLEN OFF THE WAGON! Yay! lol 

 Like I mentioned on my last post, I had gotten sick with some awful crud and then had another ovary cyst rupture. This was then followed by a really painful episode caused by my uterine fibroids. Then at work, even though we deal with death constantly, we had a harder than usual week. Very emotionally draining. I will spare you the details, suffice to say that I went from feeling crappy, to feeling worse to f%$&&** bad ;).

 I have dealt with many womanly issues for several years which got increasingly worse as I got bigger. When I started dropping the pounds I immediately noticed a change for the better. However, for the past two months, some symptoms have gotten so much better but my pain has gotten so much worse.

 Just like I used to avoid the scale, I have also tried to avoid the doctor. Its funny to even say it, considering my line of work. I have the knowledge of what is happening to me but I don't want to hear someone say it out loud. Kind of like when you can tell you have gained and you are scared to step on the scale because you know the number is not going to be nice? Stupid, I know! 

 When I faced the doctor, the possibility of having major surgery became closer to a reality. It is not the surgery itself that is scary. I know there are always risks and that is not what I am worried about. Several years ago, I came to the decision that I really did not want children of my own. I chose to put my all into my career and have been very happy with my choices. 

 I never anticipated that the thought of a hysterectomy would affect me the way it has. It is not because I have suddenly decided I want to have children. It is because, not having them would no longer be my choice but my circumstance. Am i crazy? Nothing has changed in the way I feel or what I want in regards to kids. I love working with them on a daily basis, I just don't want to have any if my own. Yet tell me it wouldn't be an option and it throws me off. I am just having a hard time with it. It is a procedure that I will most likely need and it will positively impact my quality of life. But yet, I was still all bent up about it. 

Then, a few days ago ,I came back to reality when a family we had grown to love lost their young child to cancer. When you look at what some are dealing with, whether physically or emotionally, you realize that you are so blessed. That you  don't have it as bad as some might. That for some, surgery of any kind would be scary because they lack the funds, the insurance, the support system or even the option to do so. All of a sudden, it gets easier to reframe and move on. I tell y'all, our minds are sure funny in how they work sometimes!

 I try to keep this a fairly motivating and positive place. Not just for whoever may be reading but also for myself. I often go back and read what I have written and don't really want to read post after post of complaints. This is why I decided to take some time to get my brain together and feeling more like myself both physically and emotionally. After a week of mental break, self analysis and calmness,I am in a better place. I am feeling back to myself even though my crud is not all gone. Even with all the drugs I am on, my symptoms have lingered. BTW, my coworkers blame it on all the salads and veggies I eat paired with the lack of junk lol apparently low carb supresses your immune system ;)

 Through it all, I have stuck to my plan because I am commited to doing all I can to better my health.I have continued to stay active except for the two days that fever had me in bed all day. So while I have have been quiet on here, my inner voice and keeping up with my fellow bloggers has kept me in check. Slowly but surely I keep moving along this journey...the daily journey to a better me. Until next time!

                       
    


12 comments:

  1. Such a tough spot to be in...I don't know how I would feel about such surgery if I didn't have children. I can testify that having had a hysterectomy was the best physical thing I have ever done. My life has literally changed for the better. I do however, have two children, so a much easier call to make.

    LOL on your co workers!

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    1. D, I know it will greatly improve mine and that is the best thing about it. Yes, sometimes you gotta chuckle at the reasons people want to use for you to eat "normal"

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  2. You poor thing. I think you question your decision to not have kids simply because now that choice might be taken from you...not necessarily because now you suddenly want them. You just don't want the option removed. Which makes complete sense.

    I hope you find the peace to deal with whatever ends up being dealt to you. :: hugs ::

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    1. Gwen, that is it exactly! Thanks for your words!

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  3. Glad to see you back; sorry about your current situation.

    Losing choices is always tough, but it sounds like something you could be ok with since you really don't want to have kids.

    When we had our third child, my wife had her tubes tied even though it was our third girl. I was really hoping to have a boy and I remember the feeling that we were giving up the choice to try again. Over time I came to accept it and now I have no regrets.

    We deal with what's in front of us and it just becomes part of our life.

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    1. Thanks for sharing that FD! Losing choices takes a bit of adjusting but we just got to accept and truck along. Thanks for stopping by

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  4. Well I'm glad to see that you are feeling better if not good ... I can relate to having to make that final choice and wondering if its the best option ... I had my tubes tied at 35 ... my youngest was 11 at the time ... I knew I did not want to start over with a newborn ... but did I really not want the option to change my mind? ... it was very hard ... But ... when the Dr. gave me an option a dozen years later to have a hysterectomy ... I said when????? Tomorrow????? Best decision!!! No TOM ... NO Pain ... Wish I would have had it done sooner!

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    1. That is what makes it easier to think how TOM and such will be SO MUCH BETTER!

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  5. I once read an article about nuns who are faced with having a hysterectomy. They are usually overcome with sadness even though they knew they were never going to have children when they entered the convent and later when they took their vows. It seems to be a perfectly normal reaction to feel sad at having the choice taken away. I don't know if that helps.
    Jo.

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    1. It does help! Thank you for sharing that :)

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  6. What work do you do? In a hospice?
    Enjoying your blog, Sue

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    1. Thank you Sue. I work at a Children's hospital, we see miracles daily but still affects me when someone loses their long hard battle at a young age. I have learned throughout the years to 'detach' and put everything in different boxes if you will but every now and then that goes out the window.Thanks for reading

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