A Sad and Unexpected Goodbye

With a sad sad and heavy heart we had to put my furbaby to sleep on Friday. At only 5 years old, it was completely unexpected and so abrupt that it hit me like a ton of bricks. Other than her ongoing issue with her ACL that she had been having a hard time with, we truly did not anticipate anything else going on. However, she developed an autoimmune hemolytic anemia that had her fighting hard for her life. We did all we could and just as she started stabilizing with treatment,we discovered that the underlying cause was most likely cancer. With both conditions and in her weakened state, the odds were against her regardless of everything we were trying to do and in that very hard moment the most loving thing we could do for her was let her go.

My heart is shattered in a million pieces because she was my loyal companion. If you have never had a relationship with a dog, I know it sounds absurd that so much emotion and grief could be normal. But to me it is, and I am grieving her loss the best way I can. For the first time in my life, my emotions come in the form of tears and sadness. It is so weird to me! I grieved my dad's loss in probably one of the unhealthiest of ways. Eating and binging all my emotion. I rarely did cry because I couldn't, so instead I ate. With Gracie's loss, I am crying and have even lost my appetite. How very "normal" of me.

Gracie was a fighter from the start. Someone tried to hang her with a shoelace, but it broke she was able to escape. When we rescued her she had been starved almost to death and have the manners of a wild beast. With love and time, she became the sweetest most loving girl. She taught us to fight, and in letting her go, I feel like she is teaching me the healthier way to grieve. My life was so much better because I was able to love her.
Goodbye sweet girl, I will see you on Rainbow Bridge...

Kind to a Fault!?

How many times have you someone say such and such is kind to a fault? I think I have heard it a few times throughout the years and at least once it has been said to me/about me. At first glance, one would think that it is a great compliment to be considered that kind. However, there is so much more that goes along with this little expression.

When someone is said to be kind to a fault, most of the time what is being left unsaid is that sometimes their kindness can lead one's own detriment . Sometimes we also think of that person as someone who will take anything and stand up for nothing. Someone who never stands up for themselves.

As a people pleaser most of my childhood/young adult life, I know that there were several times when I put up with many things that I wasn't really happy with. I literally and metaphorically "ate up" my feelings.In my attempt to please, I forgot how important pleasing myself was as well. There must always be a balance between kind to others but being aware enough to know when you need to reach for a tad of selfishness for your own good. 

I used to see pleasing myself as the same as not pleasing others. What a closed up mentality huh? My brain had somehow been trained to think that if I did things for myself it was at the expense of other peoples and wants which somehow had to take priority over my own.

You know how some are late bloomers? I guess I am a late maturer. It was not until I hit my 30's that I kind of came into my own. I realized that I needed to be kind to myself in order to be able to be kind and loving of others. I learned that saying no is ok. I learned that my life did not have to always be centered around what others want and/or expect from me. Now its been an ongoing process because some of my behaviors were instilled in me growing up and others are an initial instinct I have to choose not to follow.

At age 36, I am more aware of all of this than when the initial switch came on when I turned 30. As the years go by and I have understood more about myself and my issues, I have come to understand some of my bad choices. I have recognized how some bad choices where a combination of shitty circumstances and not rational thinking. That was huge because it is always much easier to blame a sole "bad guy" for our troubles.Some of these bad choices made out of unresolved issues/emotions, have created longer terms problems that take longer to fix than an attitude and behavior adjustment.

Through binge eating, having a poor diet and a sedentary lifestyle, I ballooned up to a size that in my brain only happened on TV...bless my heart. Along the way, I allowed my lack of recognition and taking responsibility for my issues to hurt some of my relationships because I saw concern as criticism and lack of love. There have been other relationships that were detrimental to my emotional well being that had to be let go in order to slowly repair and work on being a better more well rounded version of myself.

As I have been walking down this path of trying to become a healthier me, I have learned from following other people's journeys and other bloggers, that it is not only our relationship with food that we have to work on. We have to work with our relationship with those who cause us hurt, pain or stress, we have to learn to identify and work through the emotions or circumstances that can trigger those bad choices for us. And in every individual case, those things that we need to work on can be so different. No wonder the quick fixes, fad diets and magic pills were never really any magic at all!!

One of my life philosophies  has always been " You learn something new every day". How true is that? Whether it is learning something new about yourself, about others or about anything that may interest you, I encourage you to keep learning. It is the key to finding  your true self and being kind to yourself and to others. Until next time!

Thinking of a new name...

I'm considering changing the name of this blog to the weekly doggy problem blog lol! Quick  doggy update: I don't have many good news to share. During our last checkup, the surgeon told us that it seems that her kneecap is slipping and it is not healing as it should. A third surgery is a valid possibility in the next couple of weeks if things do not improve. Needless to say, I am not looking forward to that, for her sake and ours ( our wallets too!). On the bright side, she is happy and pain free. You wouldn't know she has an issue until she tries to hobble around .

I know when I started this blog, I wanted to write about what was going on with me and at the time, things were working in a way that it seemed that I had the most time and ability to focus on my journey to health and it alone. I think that was the only way to start reeducating my brain and trying to find my way. Along the way, I have understood that my health problems may make my journey a slower one but not an impossible one. Sometimes we can use that as a crutch to not even try.

Fast forward to now, health and my journey is still important and but I have lost my edge and focus as a main priority.It just means that every now and then, when life gets in the way I cut myself a bit of slack since I tend to be an all or nothing kind of person. This does not mean I am completely off the wagon and back to my old ways. .Thankfully I do have some more self control than that! However, I do feel that all the stress and going ons have allowed me to give myself permission to let loose when it comes to my journey. Not being as strict about meal prep, sprinkling some bad foods in between well portioned and balanced meals.

In thinking about this, I initially thought that it was a fully negative thing. But as the weeks go by, I realize that this has been a good "test". You see as a former binger, I know that stress and anxiety have been my fastest triggers. But it has not been the case for the past few weeks and even before that, since I started writing. Through the stress, I have managed to stay binge free. This is one of the thing I set as a goal for myself. Being able to not listen to my brain and follow the instinct to binge. Loving myself enough to know better.

Real and every day life is so different for each one of us. Whether you have kids ( furry or otherwise), a high stress job, a loving relationship or a dealing with a loss, we all have day to day choices to make that concern our health. Some days choices come easy and without issues, some days good choices are a struggle. Some days you choose the bad and then feel bad.That is real life. Real life cannot always be about  perfection because we are not nor will we ever be.

This week, I have restarted being more aware of my food choices and making an effort to be better prepared with my meals at work. Having good food around me, makes it easier to reach for better choices. It has definitely made a difference since I have lost the couple of pounds I had gained plus an extra pound.

I have continued eating as low carb as I can manage . My physician recommended I add some whole grains to my diet, which I had been avoiding in my food template. I have come to a compromise that I feel I can live with ( for now).  I have started adding a serving of whole grain to my breakfast at the recommendation of my doctor but, avoiding those and added sugar during the day. We will see how I feel about it as the days go by.

I hope all is going well with y'all. Until next time, Don't forget to be kind to yourself!!

And Then It Fell Apart Again

I have started writing this post for the last two weeks but I never get past the title before I get distracted by something else.  After four weeks post op, my furbaby's  ACL surgery failed and she had to have it redone. Having to have go through all the rehab and stress of it again, has been rough. Between trying to care for her and dealing with a demanding work schedule, I haven't had time for much. My roomie and I have been able to work around taking care of her for almost 8 weeks now, which has pretty much left us home bound and stressed all the time.

Foodwise, I have had good days and bad days. Days when I have been on point and days when I have honestly made a choice to do what is easy but not what is right. Even though I am not totally on plan, I have tried in some ways to not completely blow it. I have gained a total of 2 pounds according to the scale today but I am not worried about it. I know all I need is to get things more stable and take the extra time to do self care. As we are approaching week 3 of this post op, I am feeling closer than before.

I hope all is well with everyone. Enjoy the weekend!