Friday, August 8, 2014

The wake up call that took 35 years to get here

         As the tittle says, I finally got a wake up call after turning 35 years old a couple of months ago. You see, all my life I have struggled with my weight and I have had a very unhealthy relationship with food. What makes it worst is that I can and have rationalized my problems for years but somehow never done anything serious about it.
         Don't get me wrong, I have done all from starving myself, binge/purge, fad diets, pills and pinning healthy recipes and exercise routines nonstop for years but always failed to commit and stick to it. Well, I should clarify that I'm glad I didn't stick to some of those mentioned or I probably wouldn't be here today.  A bleeding ulcer and erosive gastritis caused by poor habits and choices  are no laughing matters.
          You know that saying about the road to hell being paved with good intentions? Yeah, my road to 300 pounds was paved with lots of calories and fat, good intentions, lies to myself and half assed attempts to lose weight to make others happy.
           Let's make one thing clear, I do not blame anyone but myself for my poor choices. I think that no matter what has happened or not in your life, ultimately you make our own choices and trying to blame a disease such as obesity solely on others is not the way you will break free from it. And ultimately this is what this is about, me being able to finally break free from this disease and from my poor choices. Lord knows, I KNOW better, I just need to DO better.
           A few days before my 35th birthday, as I struggled to find a pair of shorts that didn't roll down my tummy and a T-shirt that wouldn't ride up and expose it, I felt like I had had enough. You would think this has been the first time I can't fit into my clothes right? Nope! It's happened plenty of times before, even when I didn't live in the U.S and trying to find anything bigger than a Large was quite a feat. But,I have always been so good about moving past it and finding way to "stretch out" or make do until I can get some bigger clothes.
           This time something was different. When I REALLY looked in the mirror, I was immensely bothered by my Acanthosis Nigricans or "patches of dirt" as I have heard people call it before. Acanthosis nigricans is a skin condition found in diabetics and obese. It can be a sign of insulin resistance and tumors among other things. I have developed a way to look at myself in the mirror without really looking at the things that bother me so I can ignore them. But this time I couldn't just ignore it. I wanted it to go away. Sadly, just wishing for it to go away doesn't do a thing ( yes, I have tried wishing my fat away plenty of times with no results). The only way it's going to change is for me to change my ways, get out of my comfort zone and commit to myself . I have to make good choices for ME, I have to love ME, accept ME and fight the daily fight within me in order to improve the quality and quantity of my life. I have finally realized that I have what Kant described as the rules to happiness : something to do, someone to love and something to hope for. But in order to live it, I need to love and be happy with myself first  and this time I WILL DO IT!
            I am not much of a writer but blogger is way cheaper than therapy. I'm not sure if anyone is ever going to read this, but if you do and can relate to me , remember that you can do anything you put your mind to, you just have to want it bad enough. I WANT IT BAD ENOUGH! 
In here I hope to share  my thoughts,meal ideas and happenings during my journey to answer my wake up call and make this long hard journey to a better me.  It is never too late! I leave with a great quote by Voltaire.  Until next time!

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