Dealing and Moving Forward

     I am sure I am not the only that deals with anxiety and stress in the worst ways possible. Although lately at the worst of it, my body has broken out in hives rather than my usual binge eating, it is still hard not to automatically eat, eat and eat some more when I am stressed. We all cope in different ways and that has always been mine.
     These past couple of weeks have had an incredible amount of anxiety that has been progressing for the past nine months. Without going into many details, lets just say I am waiting for something to be decided that would greatly affect my work and personal life either positively or negatively depending on the decision that is made. The hardest part of this, is that I have absolutely no control over this decision and nothing makes me more anxious than having no control. Even though the odds are in my favor, there is always that chance that things will not turn out for me and I would be shattered.
     It is hard not to stew in this 24/7 especially because I have a lot of alone time. My usual self would have taken such a different path than the one I have chosen this time. It has not been easy. When I want to eat like crazy, for the sake of putting something in my mouth, I have gotten a cup of grape tomatoes or a tangerine or half a serving of pretzels trying to stay within or not much above my calorie limit.I repeat, it has not been easy. I do not get quite the "satisfaction"  and "comfort" that a bag of chips or fast food would have given me before, but I also do not get the regret and disappointment in myself that would usually follow it.
     Another thing that I have started doing when I get that "feeling" to want to say to heck with it all I need some good greasy food is that I have turned to other bloggers. Instead of finding something to eat, I find something to read. I make a deal with myself that if after reading a couple of articles I still "think" I am hungry, then I'll get something. Most of the time, the reading will take care it. If it doesn't then I make more deals with myself in order to eat what can cause the least damage in my calorie budget. Not having bad choices around, makes it easier to avoid them.
     I have a great support system in so many ways but I sometimes question if they're just "trying to be nice because they have to". I guess that is part of self doubt, I need to not doubt myself or others.I rationalize that it is not the case, that my loved ones want and need me to succeed as much as I need it myself. I am so blessed to have people who love and support me. Yet, I always felt like I was missing something more to motivate me. This is where Blogger has come into play. I am so grateful for so many weight loss, healthy lifestyle and weight maintenance blogs out there. It is great when I read about someones struggle, not because I am a horrible person but because it makes me feel like I am not the only one going through things. Its real people out there that without them even knowing it,  can understand based on their current or past experiences and can inspire me to be stronger. I also enjoy reading about their success, it is inspiring and motivating.It pushes me, it shows me that hard work and consistency pays off. Some people have had a mixture of success and failures while on their journey, these people inspire me even more. What's that saying about getting knocked down six times and get up seven?
     I used to be that person that would go to the drive thru and order enough for 3 or 4 people then inhale it before I came home to have dinner ( a big dinner). Out of sight out of mind was my motto (although I saw/see it all over my body). Now reading two or three blogs, one after the other is the only way I have been bingeing and my body thanks me for it. As the week keeps rolling and decision time comes closer, I have to keep myself optimistic and mentally strong. If you have a hard time or are struggling with whatever it is, remember you can do this. You've got this. And in my case,  it does not matter what happens by the end of the week, I will be OK. I am continuing to help my body be healthier no matter what changes around me or if nothing does. I will be OK. I've got this.

                          

Thinspiration

Some days I have to remind myself that Rome wasn't built in one day.

                       

Inspiration, Motivation and all that jazz

     I have written several times that one of my many struggles is trying to stay motivated and inspired to continue. There's a saying  in Spanish  you use to describe someone who will start all things but never finish anything that roughly translates to English as someone being a "lit up corn husk"....yeah, exactly lol. I am known for trying to use my Spanish sayings in English then having to make this long winded explanation to try to make them make sense. But I guess when you light up a corn husk maybe with a match? It burns real fast and then bam! It's gone. That's how I am about getting fit. Back that up, that's how I have always been but am determined to not do that again.

     I have mentioned inspirational quotes and messages helping put good thoughts in my mind but to that I have to add keeping a food log through my fitness pal, writing on blogger to empty out some of my thoughts and lastly using the pact app. I have named this three my health weapons folder on my Ipad, as you can see by the following screenshot ;)

                                        

   

     So let's get into this. My fitness pal (MFP)is a food log/exercise log app. I have been a member for at least 3 years. Never active for more than a week or so. It is a convenient tool and easy to use. Being able to scan or search foods can be almost fun if you have the right attitude. This app has been a real eye opener for me and a huge help. I am more aware of what I put in my mouth as I make myself log it even if it's not a good choice. I don't want to see "bad things" on it so I tend to think twice. Of course I'm far from perfect and I have much much much room for improvement. 

     The other thing I love about MFP is seeing my weight loss graph. I know that I will hit a plateu eventually  and that I should not obsess about the scale. But, I also know I have to lose my fear of stepping on it. Every person is different and what works for one doesn't necessarily work for others. In my case, at this point, stepping on the scale regardless of what it says is a small victory. I have logged on  MFP for 30 days straight and I'm not going to lose my streak! 

     Let's continue with the Pact app . I think that it is available for both IOS and android platforms. It is basically an accountability app. The way it works is that you wage a certain amount of money that you are willing to lose if you fail to complete your pact. They have three pacts the working out, food log and veggie pact. I am not completely sure about the working out pact but I think it uses your gps on your iPhone or a motion tracker  to verify you were at your preset gym location and how long you worked out and that's how it verifies it. I workout less than I wish I could and what I do , I do at home so that's not something I have explored. 

      I started off just doing the food log since I was already using my fitness pal and the app syncs it automatically. Athe end of the week ( on Tuesdays), the app pays your reward for completing the days you chose when doing your pact. My pact is logging 7 days a week with a wager of $5 for every day lost. Trust me I don't want to give them my $5 so I am inspired to keep my log updated constantly. I have done the food log for two complete weeks and I am starting on the third and got two payments in. 

      The veggie pact makes you choose an amount of veggies or fruits that you will eat within a week. I started with 5 veggies a week at $5 per missed veggie. The reason I I started off with 5 in a week , is because when I read the reviews of how they get verified I got scared. The way veggies get verified is by a member of the pact team but also by thumbing up or down from fellow pact users. Stories about pics being thumbed down for no reason and people being charged had me doubting but I decided to take the plunge. I think pact app is very clear when it says your picture must contain at least one serving of the fruit or veggie and  you have to show that it's being eaten. Selfies are encouraged but not obligatory. People will be people and I have noticed a few bad apples trying to pass off a muffin or something non veggie/fruit as one. But I have had no issues. After my first week of 5 veggies I am currently doing 21 veggies for this week. So far so good.

        Will you get rich off of this app? Doubtful! But what makes it valuable to me is the fact that it keeps me accountable and it makes me want to eat more fruits and veggies. I am also determined not to lose my logging streak on my fitness pal. Here's my big moneys after two weeks! Keep in mind that payouts vary depending on how many people fail their pacts as it is that money that is used for payouts. I encourage you to read, research and give it a shot if you feel comfortable with it.a few extra cents sure won't hurt me ;)

      

                     

    Last but not least, Blogger. I know lots of blogger peeps have complaints about the app. I am sure if I had a following, comments to keep up with and monetization of my posts I would probably feel the same. But right now, with three of you random peeps reading -Hey!!! -and me being able to write conveniently from anywhere I am, it works just fine. I enjoy writing my thoughts and I find that I can use it to distract myself when I feel a craving coming. Blogger also has tons of inspiring and motivating blogs for me to follow. I love finding a new one and "clicking" with the writer after reading just one post, I'll sit and say out loud :"I totally get that!" Or "I've done that too!" Or "Wow! That's so amazing! I'm so inspired!" Even though my doggies look at me like I'm crazy, I want to say thanks for writing, you have no clue how your words sometimes seem to be just what I needed at that particular time. Hopefully my words will do the same for someone out there one day!

   So as you can tell I love my Ipad. It can give me all sorts of entertainment and it is always within my reach. Finding ways to use it to help my journey makes me love it even more. I am aiming to have a folder full of weapons as my journey continues but for now I am happy for where I am and excited about where I can be in the future. Until next time!

Motivation

Motivation hasn't always been my thing. I am trying to get better about staying focused even when it gets harder to. I'm trying to think about small goals to accomplish rather than getting frustrated with long term ones. Getting healthy is such a long journey that some days I wonder if I'll be able to ever reach my destination. But when that happens I try to find some inspiration to keep me focused so here's mine for today:

Just.keep.going.

Until next time!

You mean to tell me there's no quick fix??

      
        My mom  "nudged" me into considering losing weight as far as I can remember. This of course was taken to the next level when for one of my birthdays (16 or 17th?) ,as a gift, I was taken into a weight loss center aka evil weight loss place (EWLP). This EWLP claimed that doing their expensive plan that avoided exercise like the plague and included body wraps three times a week,would reshape my body and make me look like the model that lived inside me. Yes, they said that. Apparently we all have models living inside us?? who knew??
        While in there, a so called " nutrition specialized doctor" questioned me about my eating habits, took what appeared like lengthy notes and proceeded to  measure everything and weigh me. She then had me stand in front of a mirror in my underwear and proceeded to point out all my flaws one by one while insisting I look at myself not off to the side like I wanted to do. While I can maybe rationalize that the shock value my image in the mirror was supposed to motivate and inspire me, it only helped me in getting better at looking in the mirror but not really looking. My mom paid a hefty sum for a six month intensive plan.
        The plan was basically a "quick fix" to the fat problem. They gave you a meal plan that included lots of soups  and veggies, some "magic" pills to take daily and an appointment three times a week for a body wrap. Every time you came in, the "nurses" would weigh you and mark it red if you gained, blue if you lost. Man, did it suck to gain a few ounces! The way they carried on and embarassed you in front of others there for their appointment at the same time if you gained, was not only wrong but also demeaning. Again, I get that they may have been wanting to light a fire in you to lose weight but it made me hate the stupid scale.
          In a total of six months I lost  about 16 pounds but I did lose a  few  pant sizes. Enough for me to get new pants which were probably used a total of two months or so.  What is sad is that I learned that regardless of the red marks in my chart, the wraps would still work at reducing my measurements. Therefore, in my twisted brain I was getting the best of both worlds, losing without working for it. You see, Volume was what it worked on and I suppose what made you feel like this was really working. But none of my habits changed. I still had an unhealthy relationship with food and the most change I had done was learning to go pee, shift my weight while standing on the scale, and not drinking water an hour before they weighed me to reduce my odds of getting a red mark. After your plan was over they offered a "maintenance" plan for about the same price which involved wraps once a week and a consult with the doc to review meals. Needless to say, my mom didn't buy the extra plan and shortly after I ballooned up and gained what I lost plus way more. I think that was the first time I reached 200+. It wasn't the EWLP that made me fatter, it was my ignorance in thinking there was a quick fix that didn't involve me changing my ways. It's been a long time coming but I'm finally there!you have to change! Change your ways, your attitude and you have to work hard for a long period of time! Small changes can make a big difference and instead of dieting I have to see it as a change in lifestyle.
           When reading about weight loss and healthy lifestyles,one of the things most commonly mentioned is cutting down on sugary soft drinks. Growing up, I used to love regular coke and never considered the implications of the amount of sugar I was ingesting. I never even considered diet soft drinks until I went to the "evil weight loss place" on my birthday. That was one of the things we were told were ok, diet soft drinks. Although they weren't as good and  I liked them enough to switch over, my affinity for them exploded after moving to the U.S. I have been the person ordering the big mac and fries with a diet coke for way too long. In the house, we have a stash of coke zero always available. What does a stash look like?

On a good day there's about 12-15 12 packs on our shelf. *sigh* why must you taste so good??

At least three in our fridge at all times. How incongruent to see more veggies and fruit in the fridge yet still have the soft drinks there?

       I have decided that one of the small changes I need to make is break up with coke zero. Not only will it be good for my body but also for my pocketbook.Now after such a long term relationship, I can't just quit cold turkey! So I have started by dramatically reducing my intake to two can a day and drinking decaf tea instead. This has been my fave so far:

                                      

             After brewing the tea, I add one tablespoon of agave to the 2 quart pitcher making the whole thing only 60 calories. It tastes delicious and is helping me not miss coke zero as much every day. To many this may not be a huge deal, but for me it's a big change. One that can only help me on this journey.Until next time!

Recipe Makeover #1 The Meatloaf Impersonator

          I was not born in the South yet it is a place that has stolen my heart. Having moved here five years ago, I never would have imagined how easily I adjusted and immersed myself into the southern way of life. It really isn't that much different from where I grew up (if we don't compare crime rates, lack of employment and violence -_- ). What I mean by that though, is that here in Alabama, time seems to  go slower than in other parts of the U.S at least from my experience in Califonia and Chicago.  The best part of the south is people's friendliness and of course southern cooking! Oh boy did the south and me fit right in. Biscuits, gravy, dumplings, meatloaf, sausage balls, collard greens,cheese balls, grits....I love it all. 

          Southern culture, like Hispanic culture, revolves around our love of good food. Any special occasion is an excuse to cook something up and cook plenty of it! It is all great,except those rich yummy foods can do quite a number on your body and the scale. Now don't get me wrong, not all people in the south are overweight, but sadly a whole lot of us are, making it more "socially acceptable" than in other places. I am all for inclusion and the whole live and let live way of thinking. In my case though, I think that the fact that as heavy as I am I never felt that "self conscious" because I didn't stand out that bad, didn't help me realize any quicker that I needed to dosomething serious   about my weight any earlier.

           One of the things that bring me great pleasure is cooking. I am not sure where this came from since my mother doesn't cook and never did growing up. In my home country, having help in the house is not a privilege saved the mega wealthy, so my mom was able to not cook all my life. I did get to watch the lady who worked for us cook delicious meals. I was the annoying kid all up in her business wanting to help. Most humored me and though I was not able to get far with the helping part, at least I got to observe and absorb. I picked up plenty and think I am not half bad. Now that I am trying to be more conscious of what and how much I eat, cooking my favorite recipes isn't always possible. I try to think of my calories as my budget so I try to spend them wisely.

         I LOVE MEATLOAF.  It is such a simple dish that has nothing fancy about it but yet is so comforting and delicious. I even love it cold. I cook for two but always cooked twice as much as I should have and therefore we both overate. Most of the time when I made meatloaf ( enough for 4 at least), we would have some leftovers and what is better than a slice of cold meatloaf in between two slices of bread with a ton of Heinz ketchup??? Nothing! It is one of our faves. Can we take a guess on those calories? Close to 12344556334224 right? Right! ;). The one thing I know is that it is not super healthy and we ate too much of it because it was just so darn good. 

         While browsing Pinterest I came across many lentil loaf recipes and thought it sounded "interesting". The problem is , with most of these vegan/vegetarian/gf recipes that they have all these ingredients that I am not familiar or ever cooked with (flaxseed, chia seeds, falafel mix to name a few). They are probably great for you but not something that I know enough about at this point. 

         I have mentioned the calorie budget before, I will now mention the money budget ha! I don't know about you, but money isn't overflowing in our house and I can't just bring myself to buy all these ingredients that I don't know about and risk hating them and throwing the money out the trash. Does that make cheap? Maybe. Am I willing to change my cheap ways? Not quite yet.

 I decided to do lentil loaf my way, with what I have at home. My goal is to Cut fat and calories while hopefully making it tasty enough to make the makeover not only a healthier version but one that I can rotate on our menu. So without further ado, let's get to it!

Start off my gathering your ingredients. Remember that lentils are pretty flexible and your can give your loaf any flair you'd like (Mexican,Asian, Indian) but this time we will go the simple route.here are my ingredients:

   For 4 servings: 

   1-cup of dry lentils

   2- extra large egg

   1- cup chopped onion 

   1- cup chopped bell pepper (I mixed red and green)

   1 serving- baby carrots finely minced or grated

   1/2 cup of dry oats (not pictured)

    1/4 cup tomato sauce ( after you measure it, take 2-3 teaspoons out and save separately)

    Your choice seasonings to taste. I chose sea salt, oregano, thyme and black pepper.

Start off by placing the lentils in a pan with 3 -4 cups of water. Bring to a boil and simmer for about 25 minutes. Let them sit and cool off. Once cool drain.Do not worry if they get mushy, it will only add to the "meaty" look.

While your lentils are cooking, go ahead and get the veggies chopped and prepped. I also measured out the tomato sauce and got my seasonings together. Dump everything into a bowl and mix together,

   This is a good time to turn on your oven and preheat at 350.

    

    Once everything is mixed well you can pick what kind of baking dish you want to use. You could use a pie pan and cut slices, a regular loaf pan or mini loaf pans like I did. A full recipe should be divided into 4 mini pans. I am cooking half the recipe tonight so here are my two.

    This is how they look before I used the reserved tomato sauce. Spread a teaspoon or so over the top before covering with foil and placing in oven. Cook covered at 350 for 20 minutes. Remove foil and cook an extra 5-7 minutes. Watch closely as oven temperatures may vary. Once it is done serve with your choice of sides and enjoy!  

    I wanted to show you the difference between my regular meatloaf recipe and this meatloaf impersonator. Thanks to my fitness pal recipe calculator for being such a handy tool. I used to eyeball my meatloaf ingredients so actual calories may be a little higher, yikes!

My meatloaf before :

My "meatloaf" makeover:

I am not a nutrition specialist. I am sure that there are still many more tweaks this recipe could have to make it even better for you. But for me, seeing the difference in calories and fat is amazing and good enough for now. As I learn and research more I am sure it can only get better. 

So for the final verdict: It was delicious and filling. It is obviously not meatloaf but a very good alternative. Will have to try to make it into veggie burgers or "meatballs".spinach may be a good addition for extra moisture. 

 Hope you enjoyed, until next time!

You have to believe it....

Positive affirmations always seemed corny to me. What good could words do? Why did people make those images with quotes? Words are powerful and can help keep you be and stay inspired. Of course, words and no action won't help us move along ins this journey. So as I am on my way to burn off some calories, I decided to share mine for today. 

By now you have figured out that the daily inspiration is something I'm into. Positive thoughts create positive attitudes. Here is something to think about today and every day!

Gotta start somewhere

         So you have decided to really get serious and commit to improving your quality of life by taking responsibility of your choices up until now and going from couch blob to average person to hopefully fit person...where do you start?? That's what I kept asking myself! I knew I needed to learn to see food as fuel, count calories, portion control, exercise...... List could go on but I will do us all a favor and stop there. The internet is a great source of info but sometimes there's so much of it, that sifting through it and setting up your plan seems pretty challenging.

         I can only speak for myself when I say that what usually happens to me is that I start off full throttle on any diet plan then slowly but surely lose speed after the initial high wears off. I have started so many "changes" then stopped a day, week, a month later. I think that one thing I know for sure is that if I am on a diet and feel like I am denying myself things, I will crave everything, even stuff I never really care for before. It's like my body and brain rebel and fight my own self when trying to cut back. 

         I think that the biggest problem with diets, in my case, is that their restrictive nature keep me from being able to stick to it long term. When you have as much weight as me to lose, a month or two of dieting ain't going to cut it. My journey will be a long one in order to reach my destination but once I get there it doesn't end,  I need to have learned how to not go back to how I am and have been.

          The first decision I made was to start by keeping a food diary. Pretty simple, right? I  downloaded my fitness pal and started logging everything I ate. This app is free, so convenient and easy to use that it didn't seem hard to do. The first day I decided to eat what I normally would have so that I could see how much I was intaking. OMG do them calories add up!! It's funny how unaware I have been on the amount of calories I can inhale in a matter of minutes! My fitness pal is a great tool to keep track of your calories and exercise. The extra for me, is not wanting to lose my logging streak! It makes me keep up with it several times in the day. 

           Bottom line is that It's all about establishing routines.  Every time it eat, I want to log it in. And if I want to overindulge, knowing I have to log it makes me not go do it! #Winning! So now that we have a. Food diary, we have to do something about how many and what kind if calories I'm putting in there. I mean, potato chips out of the bag can't be that many right? Not as many as if I had a bowl full, right? *insert buzz * wrong! I decided to grab a handful and measure it and was shocked! I think my eyes have somehow accepted oversized portions as regular ones.  If you eyeball a portion of chips v. Measuring it,  there is a HUGE difference ( at least for me!) then thinking how often I could walk by the pantry and grabbed a handful makes me cringe inside. Not that I should be shocked, there's a reason we are here right? And it wasn't because I ate too many carrots and celery sticks ha!

             Anywho, that's how is arrived at my second decision: measuring or weighing food portions. Does it take time? Yes, a Few extra seconds. Is it worth it? Heck yes!! The more I train myself to measure and weigh food, the more it becomes my routine instead of a hassle.  Measuring out or weighing portions has been an eye opener. I want to retrain my eye and brain to learn to not overeat. I started off with a cheap Taylor food scale for less than $5 thinking I didn't want to invest that much in case I didn't stick to it (self doubt anyone??). But after the first week I made a deal with myself that once I lost over 10 pounds I'd buy me a nicer digital one. I am proud to say the new one it's on its way! Of course, this doesn't mean I don't eat anything that is not weighed or portioned out, it means I continue to be more and more aware and hold myself accountable for every choice I make. We all have to start somewhere, and there really is no right or wrong way to do it as long as you DO it. I'm finding out this whole accountability thing is something I really like! Here's some inspiration, until next time!!

   

But you have such a pretty face....

         One thing that many females that struggle with obesity deal with is the famous backhanded compliment. This is such a tricky way to mess with ones mind and feelings. My favorite one was always having something said about my weight followed by "but you have such a pretty face". While it may have been meant as a compliment, I always took it more as a your "pretty face" is being wasted on such an ugly body. Of course as the weight piled on I finally stopped hearing that. I guess the so called pretty face got lost 100 pounds ago!
         Growing up in the Hispanic culture you learn two main things : people love to gossip and unsolicited advice is always available. Granted that happens in every culture , what sets the Hispanic culture apart (in my experience) is that people will be direct and blurt things right out regardless of how rude it may seem to others. Maybe that is the "passion" and " emotion" that runs through our hot blood haha.  When you gain weight in my home country, it's not unusual for people to flat out come at you and say "Oh my! You sure have gotten fat" or " Someone needs to lay off the ( insert fatty food) here before you get any fatter". You would think that knowing this one would be more mindful of weight gain, but it is unreal how easily you learn to shrug it off and ignore when you think it's not a problem.
          In my family, the person who is the perfect example of that is my mother. My mother brags (and she should be proud about) the fact that she's been working out since she was a teenager to maintain her figure, at 69, she looks at least 10 years younger and her figure is the same it's been since I can remember. My mom tries to take care of herself and worries constantly about how others see her. I realize now after becoming an adult, that she expected me to be the same. That in her mind, she couldn't fathom having a daughter who could care less about wearing fancy jewelry, making sure every hair was in its place or that she didn't have an extra pound of fat.

         Unfortunately for her,we are pretty much opposites. Where she is hyper I am more laid back, she is  an extrovert and I am an introvert, she's the life of the party and I'm happy to stay out of the spotlight, she craves attention while I'd rather do my own thing. While this is not going to be the long winded mommy issue textbook, suffice to say that me and my weight were always  a cause for fights and tension between us because no matter how much she wanted to be in control, she couldn't.
          My mom loves and needs to be in control. All.the.time.  She can be such a control freak and so weight obsessed, that she can tell you who ate what and how much of it by the end of a dinner party. Sneaking food into the house and binging without her being all over the top of me was quite the hassle, but the amazing feeling of accomplishment I had knowing I had done something food related without her knowing overshadowed any awareness of how I was hurting myself.
            While most teenagers rebel by sneaking out, cutting class or staying out past curfews, my way to rebel was to eat and eat some more. Those foods my mom frowned upon or didn't want me to eat were the ones I gobbled up like crazy. She didn't even know I was doing it,but somehow I felt like I was hurting her by doing it the way some of her comments hurt me. 

             It's taken me a long time to come to realize and accept all of that and I know without a doubt that my mom always had the best intentions. That even though the execution lacked empathy , kindness and positive reinforcement, she did what she thought was right. When I bring up a hurtful things she said years ago, she can't remember. I believe that she's somehow blocked it from her mind. I don't have any children but for those of you who do,remember that words can hurt as badly as actions and that forgiving is not contingent on forgetting, I don't blame or resent my mom for my poor choices, but I know that things may have turned out differently if she had taken a different approach.
             Ever heard of distance makes the heart grow fonder? It is definitely true. I moved to the U.S five years ago and it has done wonders for my relationship with my mom. Gradually, we have gotten closer and I have grown and matured more than I ever would have had I stayed. After much self analysis, I was able to talk to her about things that I vividly remember or hurtful comments regarding my weight that she made in the past. The talk happened a week before my 35th birthday and it was such a liberating moment. Like I mentioned before, she doesn't remember most of it but that truly didn't matter. The important thing was being able to get out all those things I have kept bottled inside for so long and by doing so allowing myself to let go and move forward. I believe this is what started the ball rolling to me getting the wake up call. I felt like this huge load was lifted off my shoulders and like I could really start over and make a change for myself. Because I am worth it. Corny but true,I know.
               It's been two months since then, I am happy to say that with small changes and a lot of effort I have lost 14 pounds! I have such a long long long way to go but every journey has to start somewhere. I am not worried about a number on a scale, I am looking to make a lifestyle change that will be beneficial to my health and my quality of life and I am looking forward to sharing it with you. Now as usual I leave you some inspiration. Until next time!

The wake up call that took 35 years to get here

         As the tittle says, I finally got a wake up call after turning 35 years old a couple of months ago. You see, all my life I have struggled with my weight and I have had a very unhealthy relationship with food. What makes it worst is that I can and have rationalized my problems for years but somehow never done anything serious about it.
         Don't get me wrong, I have done all from starving myself, binge/purge, fad diets, pills and pinning healthy recipes and exercise routines nonstop for years but always failed to commit and stick to it. Well, I should clarify that I'm glad I didn't stick to some of those mentioned or I probably wouldn't be here today.  A bleeding ulcer and erosive gastritis caused by poor habits and choices  are no laughing matters.
          You know that saying about the road to hell being paved with good intentions? Yeah, my road to 300 pounds was paved with lots of calories and fat, good intentions, lies to myself and half assed attempts to lose weight to make others happy.
           Let's make one thing clear, I do not blame anyone but myself for my poor choices. I think that no matter what has happened or not in your life, ultimately you make our own choices and trying to blame a disease such as obesity solely on others is not the way you will break free from it. And ultimately this is what this is about, me being able to finally break free from this disease and from my poor choices. Lord knows, I KNOW better, I just need to DO better.
           A few days before my 35th birthday, as I struggled to find a pair of shorts that didn't roll down my tummy and a T-shirt that wouldn't ride up and expose it, I felt like I had had enough. You would think this has been the first time I can't fit into my clothes right? Nope! It's happened plenty of times before, even when I didn't live in the U.S and trying to find anything bigger than a Large was quite a feat. But,I have always been so good about moving past it and finding way to "stretch out" or make do until I can get some bigger clothes.
           This time something was different. When I REALLY looked in the mirror, I was immensely bothered by my Acanthosis Nigricans or "patches of dirt" as I have heard people call it before. Acanthosis nigricans is a skin condition found in diabetics and obese. It can be a sign of insulin resistance and tumors among other things. I have developed a way to look at myself in the mirror without really looking at the things that bother me so I can ignore them. But this time I couldn't just ignore it. I wanted it to go away. Sadly, just wishing for it to go away doesn't do a thing ( yes, I have tried wishing my fat away plenty of times with no results). The only way it's going to change is for me to change my ways, get out of my comfort zone and commit to myself . I have to make good choices for ME, I have to love ME, accept ME and fight the daily fight within me in order to improve the quality and quantity of my life. I have finally realized that I have what Kant described as the rules to happiness : something to do, someone to love and something to hope for. But in order to live it, I need to love and be happy with myself first  and this time I WILL DO IT!
            I am not much of a writer but blogger is way cheaper than therapy. I'm not sure if anyone is ever going to read this, but if you do and can relate to me , remember that you can do anything you put your mind to, you just have to want it bad enough. I WANT IT BAD ENOUGH! 

In here I hope to share  my thoughts,meal ideas and happenings during my journey to answer my wake up call and make this long hard journey to a better me.  It is never too late! I leave with a great quote by Voltaire.  Until next time!