Caution: A Little Venting Ahead

      Hi all! Yesterday was a bit emotional for me and had me drained. This is why, I didn't write much. However,I have a bit of venting to do tonight.

     I have talked before of my somewhat rocky relationship with my mom. My dad and I were so close and so much alike that it never helped my relationship with her. She is great but we are such opposite personalities, that we have butted heads throughout my life (mostly about weight). No matter what all I have ever accomplished, I never seem to do things right enough for her standards. I try to be patient and take most things in stride, especially at this point of her life. Occasionally its hard. She is turning 70 at the end of the month so I decided to surprise her with a new computer. She has been talking about needing one for months. Hers is broken and shes been stuck using an old tablet and so far shes fallen behind on all her Facebook games haha

     I love surprising my loved ones. I am not big on material things because I have tried to simplify my life and my stuff. Regardless, When I can make someone happy with stuff they want/need then I try my best, I thought it would be a great idea to get my "accomplice" to give her the gift early once it went through customs. Electronics are extremely expensive back home so it was for sure going to be a big surprise. My train of thought was that it would surprise her, make her happy, fill a need, save her money and she could start enjoying it.

   Due to many factors, my surprise ended up causing more drama than happiness. The worst part is, that none of that drama involved me or the gift, but somehow my gesture and thought of wanting to make her happy, got lost in the middle of it all. When I talked to her, she spent an hour fussing about the "drama" and even forgot to acknowledge the gift. I didn't need recognition but a thanks would have felt great. I got my feelings hurt. BIG TIME>

     I am a really sensitive person and it took a lot to not break down or get upset while on the phone with her. When I hung up, my first thought was "I need to eat something". That is my knee jerk reaction to emotional distress, I needed to eat eat eat. it didn't matter where or what, I just needed to do it. After five minutes of trying to figure out what I would cram in my mouth, I came to my senses. I was not going to allow my emotions to have that power. I ate my half a grapefruit and went for a walk instead. It was a huge victory. However, it didn't fix my hurt. While I was walking, I tried to put myself in her shoes and in that situation going on at home. I decided to let it go and be the bigger person. Sometimes, you just have to let it go and accept the fact that some people are so in their heads, they cannot see anything around them. Once I was able to do that, my heart was better as well as my feelings.

     Hours later, talking to my friend about the whole ordeal, I told her that now I was left feeling angry at myself. It wasn't about the mom situation anymore. It was the fact that even though I didn't cave, my instinct to eat eat eat (aka binge binge binge) still comes whenever I get upset. I was beating myself up pretty bad about having the thought. I thought for sure I had gotten better at this. She  pointed out that that was a waste of energy when my focus should be on the fact that I have learned not to cave into that instinct instead. I try to do that, I really do. But I have to wonder will that instinct ever go away? I am proud of being stronger than the urge. I just want to make the urge not be an urge anymore. You know what I mean? Anyway, I am feeling better now and back to being strong.whew! that was heavy on my chest, somehow writing about it makes me feel lighter. Maybe I should go weigh again? ;)

     Moving on, I have enjoyed my Satuesday to no end even though my body seems to be trying to fight off some sort of bug. I may have been a bit too hectic lately with some many changes in routine. Even my little emotional moment has drained some energy from me. My body was craving some relaxing time. I got a few things done around the house, got my workout in, stayed on track with my food. I am now ready to  settle in with a book and a cup of tea for a while. Until next time!