Picking up the pieces

Hey all! After a rather long break from writing I am finally where I feel I can be back. 2015 has proven to be one of the most extreme years in my life. There were SO many good things that happened for me in the work and career area but it was also a year with lots of loss in the emotional and family area.

I have been a roller coaster of emotions and as a result of it, there have been days where I have been in control of what I put in my mouth and some days I have not given a damn lol. Getting through the holidays was tough and I am glad that it is over.

 I am trying to pick up the pieces and take control of myself. I am starting by doing another round of whole 30 so I can cleanse my body of all the crap I have been putting in  it and try to get back into the right mind frame.

While I stopped the weight gain this month, I clearly have not lost a single ounce. I know I can do this, as I was doing a pretty good I just need to work hard and be dedicated to this journey.

Just Cannot Catch a Break

I have tried several times in the past month to post again. It just seems that every new post comes with a slew of bad news from me. After losing my pup, I thought we were in the clear but I was wrong.  With a sudden change in my work role and schedule, I had been running on fumes and after a couple of weeks of that my second mom fell ill. Emotionally, I am eerily at peace although the void in our hearts is huge. I think this peace comes from knowing where she is now and also from witnessing how her health got worse as the days went by. You hated to see how things went from being perfectly fine, to her but being well at all. She was a 73 year old lady who was healthy, working out 3-4 times a week and eating well. However, emergency surgery and the complications of the recovery thereafter were too much for her body. After three weeks of her fighting for her life and us almost living at the hospital taking care of her, we had to make the hard decision to let her go. It was all so sudden and unfortunate. However,  I know and find comfort in knowing that she is in a much better place now.

The last few weeks have brought so much stress, chaos and worry to my already frazzled existence. I had been rocking my new schedule and work role but it was because I had been killing myself trying to make everything go smoothly. Being a perfectionist means that I have to learn and work hard to be ok to delegate and tolerate mistakes, which does not always come easily. Dealing with people is not always easy but my way to lead is to be willing to do and doing anything that I would expect from others. It worked, and think I was able to do an exceptional job. All the big wigs seemed to agree as well ;) .However, being less active and more confined to a desk was not something I enjoyed. Even when I started eating better again, the lack of activity meant that although I stopped gaining, I also stopped losing. I have every excuse ( justified and not) on why I didn't compensate for my sedentary workday with a workout once I got home, but I will spare you all of them.

Now that we have hopefully gotten through all of this, I really am wishing for a few peaceful months at least. I think I will have to send Santa a letter asking for it. I just feel like I need to catch a break...PLEASE! On the bright side, my mom mom is currently visiting from back home. She flew in for the funeral and will get a chance to spend Thanksgiving with us. Looking forward to that although I haven't even begun to think about the food! I read the post onThanksgiving Potluck and I kept nodding and hollering AMEN!. We are also having a huge one at work on TUESDAY! Desserts and Casseroles galore only 2 days before Thanksgiving!! I am glad I have an easy out since it is technically my Saturday;) I understand the concept of sharing with coworkers but sometimes it is a bit too much!

I hope all is well with everyone. I am trying hard to get myself back together and get back on this important journey. I hope you all are also taking good care of yourselves! Until next time!

Alati

Old habits die hard

It has been almost a month since my last post!!
 Life has been crazy since then . Between trying to handle the grief of my loss ( which I am still not over) and having my work role/schedule completely flipped suddenly, I have been barely hanging on to my sanity!

 As the stress and pressure of suddenly coordinating an area that continues to grow in demand but not in resources, dealing with people conflicts and trying to maintain my professionalism and even temper through it all, I find myself going back to old habits. Stress eating? check. Poor meal planning? check. Bad choices? check. The only thing I can claim as a success is that I have continued to remain binge free.

But binge free does not equal smart food choices. I have been picking up food on the way home because after a stressful long day and an hour or so commute, I do not feel like cooking. It isn't always fast food per se, but anything at a restaurant will NEVER EVER be as clean and well controlled as something you have made back home.

My weekends used to be Tuesday and Wednesday. I would use at least one of those days to cook and prep enough food for a full week. Somehow Saturday and Sunday never work out that way for me. I realize is because normal people are off on weekends so there's always a function, a game or any sort of even going on that takes up my time. By the time Sunday rolls around, I have mounds of laundry and housework to complete that I chose not to use my time in a different way. Regardless, excuses excuses excuses.

During the day, I am still eating plenty of raw veggies and semi eating healthy. But come dinner time, is where I know my calories get out of whack. I have gained 4 pounds! I can feel it in the way my new clothes fit too, Everything fits fine, but they were starting to get loose before. Carbs have again becomes a daily occurrence rather than an occasional indulgence. I know I HAVE to stop this NOW!

So today I am making a renewed effort to get back on track and continue working on killing these old habits for good!Until next time!

A Sad and Unexpected Goodbye

With a sad sad and heavy heart we had to put my furbaby to sleep on Friday. At only 5 years old, it was completely unexpected and so abrupt that it hit me like a ton of bricks. Other than her ongoing issue with her ACL that she had been having a hard time with, we truly did not anticipate anything else going on. However, she developed an autoimmune hemolytic anemia that had her fighting hard for her life. We did all we could and just as she started stabilizing with treatment,we discovered that the underlying cause was most likely cancer. With both conditions and in her weakened state, the odds were against her regardless of everything we were trying to do and in that very hard moment the most loving thing we could do for her was let her go.

My heart is shattered in a million pieces because she was my loyal companion. If you have never had a relationship with a dog, I know it sounds absurd that so much emotion and grief could be normal. But to me it is, and I am grieving her loss the best way I can. For the first time in my life, my emotions come in the form of tears and sadness. It is so weird to me! I grieved my dad's loss in probably one of the unhealthiest of ways. Eating and binging all my emotion. I rarely did cry because I couldn't, so instead I ate. With Gracie's loss, I am crying and have even lost my appetite. How very "normal" of me.

Gracie was a fighter from the start. Someone tried to hang her with a shoelace, but it broke she was able to escape. When we rescued her she had been starved almost to death and have the manners of a wild beast. With love and time, she became the sweetest most loving girl. She taught us to fight, and in letting her go, I feel like she is teaching me the healthier way to grieve. My life was so much better because I was able to love her.
Goodbye sweet girl, I will see you on Rainbow Bridge...

Kind to a Fault!?

How many times have you someone say such and such is kind to a fault? I think I have heard it a few times throughout the years and at least once it has been said to me/about me. At first glance, one would think that it is a great compliment to be considered that kind. However, there is so much more that goes along with this little expression.

When someone is said to be kind to a fault, most of the time what is being left unsaid is that sometimes their kindness can lead one's own detriment . Sometimes we also think of that person as someone who will take anything and stand up for nothing. Someone who never stands up for themselves.

As a people pleaser most of my childhood/young adult life, I know that there were several times when I put up with many things that I wasn't really happy with. I literally and metaphorically "ate up" my feelings.In my attempt to please, I forgot how important pleasing myself was as well. There must always be a balance between kind to others but being aware enough to know when you need to reach for a tad of selfishness for your own good. 

I used to see pleasing myself as the same as not pleasing others. What a closed up mentality huh? My brain had somehow been trained to think that if I did things for myself it was at the expense of other peoples and wants which somehow had to take priority over my own.

You know how some are late bloomers? I guess I am a late maturer. It was not until I hit my 30's that I kind of came into my own. I realized that I needed to be kind to myself in order to be able to be kind and loving of others. I learned that saying no is ok. I learned that my life did not have to always be centered around what others want and/or expect from me. Now its been an ongoing process because some of my behaviors were instilled in me growing up and others are an initial instinct I have to choose not to follow.

At age 36, I am more aware of all of this than when the initial switch came on when I turned 30. As the years go by and I have understood more about myself and my issues, I have come to understand some of my bad choices. I have recognized how some bad choices where a combination of shitty circumstances and not rational thinking. That was huge because it is always much easier to blame a sole "bad guy" for our troubles.Some of these bad choices made out of unresolved issues/emotions, have created longer terms problems that take longer to fix than an attitude and behavior adjustment.

Through binge eating, having a poor diet and a sedentary lifestyle, I ballooned up to a size that in my brain only happened on TV...bless my heart. Along the way, I allowed my lack of recognition and taking responsibility for my issues to hurt some of my relationships because I saw concern as criticism and lack of love. There have been other relationships that were detrimental to my emotional well being that had to be let go in order to slowly repair and work on being a better more well rounded version of myself.

As I have been walking down this path of trying to become a healthier me, I have learned from following other people's journeys and other bloggers, that it is not only our relationship with food that we have to work on. We have to work with our relationship with those who cause us hurt, pain or stress, we have to learn to identify and work through the emotions or circumstances that can trigger those bad choices for us. And in every individual case, those things that we need to work on can be so different. No wonder the quick fixes, fad diets and magic pills were never really any magic at all!!

One of my life philosophies  has always been " You learn something new every day". How true is that? Whether it is learning something new about yourself, about others or about anything that may interest you, I encourage you to keep learning. It is the key to finding  your true self and being kind to yourself and to others. Until next time!

Thinking of a new name...

I'm considering changing the name of this blog to the weekly doggy problem blog lol! Quick  doggy update: I don't have many good news to share. During our last checkup, the surgeon told us that it seems that her kneecap is slipping and it is not healing as it should. A third surgery is a valid possibility in the next couple of weeks if things do not improve. Needless to say, I am not looking forward to that, for her sake and ours ( our wallets too!). On the bright side, she is happy and pain free. You wouldn't know she has an issue until she tries to hobble around .

I know when I started this blog, I wanted to write about what was going on with me and at the time, things were working in a way that it seemed that I had the most time and ability to focus on my journey to health and it alone. I think that was the only way to start reeducating my brain and trying to find my way. Along the way, I have understood that my health problems may make my journey a slower one but not an impossible one. Sometimes we can use that as a crutch to not even try.

Fast forward to now, health and my journey is still important and but I have lost my edge and focus as a main priority.It just means that every now and then, when life gets in the way I cut myself a bit of slack since I tend to be an all or nothing kind of person. This does not mean I am completely off the wagon and back to my old ways. .Thankfully I do have some more self control than that! However, I do feel that all the stress and going ons have allowed me to give myself permission to let loose when it comes to my journey. Not being as strict about meal prep, sprinkling some bad foods in between well portioned and balanced meals.

In thinking about this, I initially thought that it was a fully negative thing. But as the weeks go by, I realize that this has been a good "test". You see as a former binger, I know that stress and anxiety have been my fastest triggers. But it has not been the case for the past few weeks and even before that, since I started writing. Through the stress, I have managed to stay binge free. This is one of the thing I set as a goal for myself. Being able to not listen to my brain and follow the instinct to binge. Loving myself enough to know better.

Real and every day life is so different for each one of us. Whether you have kids ( furry or otherwise), a high stress job, a loving relationship or a dealing with a loss, we all have day to day choices to make that concern our health. Some days choices come easy and without issues, some days good choices are a struggle. Some days you choose the bad and then feel bad.That is real life. Real life cannot always be about  perfection because we are not nor will we ever be.

This week, I have restarted being more aware of my food choices and making an effort to be better prepared with my meals at work. Having good food around me, makes it easier to reach for better choices. It has definitely made a difference since I have lost the couple of pounds I had gained plus an extra pound.

I have continued eating as low carb as I can manage . My physician recommended I add some whole grains to my diet, which I had been avoiding in my food template. I have come to a compromise that I feel I can live with ( for now).  I have started adding a serving of whole grain to my breakfast at the recommendation of my doctor but, avoiding those and added sugar during the day. We will see how I feel about it as the days go by.

I hope all is going well with y'all. Until next time, Don't forget to be kind to yourself!!

And Then It Fell Apart Again

I have started writing this post for the last two weeks but I never get past the title before I get distracted by something else.  After four weeks post op, my furbaby's  ACL surgery failed and she had to have it redone. Having to have go through all the rehab and stress of it again, has been rough. Between trying to care for her and dealing with a demanding work schedule, I haven't had time for much. My roomie and I have been able to work around taking care of her for almost 8 weeks now, which has pretty much left us home bound and stressed all the time.

Foodwise, I have had good days and bad days. Days when I have been on point and days when I have honestly made a choice to do what is easy but not what is right. Even though I am not totally on plan, I have tried in some ways to not completely blow it. I have gained a total of 2 pounds according to the scale today but I am not worried about it. I know all I need is to get things more stable and take the extra time to do self care. As we are approaching week 3 of this post op, I am feeling closer than before.

I hope all is well with everyone. Enjoy the weekend!